Today… another traffic related topic. Often I find myself traveling down a decent road, no houses or anything to be seen…except someones’ automobile… that for some reason -on a horrible stroke of luck…ended up in FRONT of me. Now, if you look carefully, there’s a sign in front of you up there on the right. Probably black and white. THAT is what we call a “speed limit ” sign. it means “this is AS FAST as you can go”. ……NOT “don’t hit this speed or you will spontaneously combust”……. IF the speed limit is 50 mph, then I BETTER be able to drive 50!

Words. I know this is a popular topic, and everyone says words differently. However, there is no excuse to say words incorrectly just cause that is how they SOUND to YOU. It just makes you look dumb. With all this technology around us, there is no excuse to NOT know how to say certain words correctly. A quick google search will do a world of good. Seriously.

Here is a list of words I find very irritating that people either shorten, or just plain don’t understand.

• “sposta” instead of SUPPOSED TO
• “q-pon” —- its COUPON. Like COOP-ON.
• “zackly” instead of EXactly
• “EXpresso” instead of ESpresso.
• “hamburg” …. as in “lets get a hamburg” … it’s HAMBURGER. Hamburg is in Germany.
• “hundret” instead of HUNDRED
• “prolly” instead of PROBABLY.
• “nuh-unh” instead of just saying “no” or “no way”
• instead of just saying I DON’T KNOW, you make the noise with your mouth closed as if you WERE saying ” i don’t know” but your mouth was for some reason unable to form the word, just the sound.
• “breffix” instead of BREAKFAST, as in the morning meal.
• “member” instead of REmember … “hey.. you member dat?”

These are just a few for now, this list will expand as I remember all of the other words that drive me crazy.

You walk into a restaurant. The kind where you need to place an order at a counter before sitting down. The girl behind the counter is staring at the keys on the cash register like she knows that she should be entering some sort of information into the machine with them, yet she seems confused, and is unable to utter any words… a blank stare is coming from her face as if she just slipped into a black hole and she cannot even see that you are standing there. You are ready to order, and are thinking maybe she should be saying ” hi, can i take your order?” or maybe ” you all set to order?” anything of that nature. But no. She just stares into space as if she forgot she is standing in a place of employment. Awkward… do i just start giving her my order? what if she isn’t ready… i wouldn’t want to confuse her and have to start over.

Where has customer SERVICE gone? (and people wonder why i prefer to shop online)

Seriously. It is like they are just handing out jobs to people walking by on the street. They know nothing of the products they sell, they are not friendly, they are not helpful, they are not very bright and they seem to be everywhere- plaguing our stores / food places with all these morons that would rather be home combing their hair or watching american idol. You know who i am talking about.

If you have a job, take some pride in it. I don’t care what it is. Be the best fry-o-later operator you can… make it your mission, center those pickles perfectly on the burger… go out on a limb and ask if i would like anything else… Research the products your company sells… Maybe smile and pretend to be happy if you have to.

Otherwise, what else do you have to live for? You have a shitty job. You aren’t much good in school. Probably because you were neglected as a child. Maybe you are just too lazy to do something for yourself- so you have to settle for whatever place will hire you. Then you complain about how bad your job sucks. And to top it all off, you are affecting the people that come in contact with you and have to order or rely on you for some form of SERVICE. People who have real jobs. People who don’t want attitude from a punk ass like you who seems like they are too good to even acknowledge that they have a task to perform. What? Should you just get money handed to you? Are you entitled to a free paycheck? Where are you people coming from? Learn something!

Don’t even bother putting a tip jar out in front of you if you can’t even crack a smile or say good morning.

Today I speak of passion. Passion is feeling so strongly about something that you cannot contain your feelings. Passion is a switch located directly in the middle of my head which I cannot gain control of. Once it is in the ON position, there is no turning back. I can even feel it when it happens. Like a spark, from the bottom of my neck to the top of my head all the feelings come rushing up. Unfortunately it is in my nature to be passionate for just about everything. To the point where I may irritate others. Am I sorry? no. But… I do wish I could say that these things didn’t bother me ( i have pretended… it doesn’t work ) I wish I could flip that switch in the opposite direction.

Let me give you a scenario… I hear a song.

It’s by some completely heinous band, with no talent or originality. I SHOULD just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t. The switch gets thrown. I say something. Someone else disagrees. I state that it’s not JUST the song, but everything the band stands for… and the bigger picture. Then it becomes a “thing”.

Every one of these bands is just a metaphor for the way the world is… and how talentless hacks and morons somehow rise up and become something… and usually have some sort of power over people. Which is why I resist. They overshadow the truly talented, gifted people. You don’t have to work hard, you just need to look a certain way or know the right people. Then we can all obsess about you instead of some more important matter like, oh… i don’t know… the PLANET?

I won’t support that, I can’t just settle. I wish I could, it may make my days easier.

What about the little guy who actually has talent and works hard continues to struggle through- just trying to find a way to make things easier. I just think the balance is skewed… alot. I mean, there are doctors and firefighters out there who make less money than (insert shitty band name here) while actually doing something for people… like saving lives. No one puts them up on the pedestal and honors them. And they wouldn’t expect it either.

These f**kers who constantly have everything handed to them are becoming very frustrating. The things people value… I just do not understand. There are so many talented people out there that struggle to become themselves… it just hurts that the opportunities seem so hard to find. It used to be that to be a good band you sucked first… played in a lot of garages or barns… played all sorts of shitty venues and then once you earned it, you became “popular” or “respected”… seems to me like the majority of the crap out there today consists of individuals who were chosen by a producer or agent to fit a certain style, clothing chosen for them, attitude chosen for them, fan base already built upon the other crappy bands that sound just like the other ones…. put all this together, on stage, act it out and it LOOKS like you have a band. Play the hell out of that on the radio and you got one hell of a business. Nice work Mr. Business man…

I need to find a way to be able to switch the switch back off. Or channel it into something else. These “little things” should not bother me… and believe me, if i could just say “ehhh, hell with it” I would. This shit is embedded deep down inside me and surfaces occasionally like a demon on fire. If you have a method that works for you, feel free to drop me a line. I’ll try anything.

NO. It is NOT “like that time“… This is my story.

Don’t cut me off half-way through a sentence to interrupt with some story you have- that you think is better than where i am going with mine. It isn’t. And no one cares. And that is not what I was going to say anyhow.

We get it.. your life is far more interesting than everyone else’s. Everything you have is better than everyone else’s… every experience is more interesting, and every purchase is more expensive. Shut Up. No one wants to hear about your shit. Let someone else tell a story – that is legitimate, without all sorts of exaggeration. I am sorry but you people know who you are, and you need to be called out. That shit is annoying! Nobody likes to stand there, nodding and smiling – pretending to be interested in your over-exaggerated banter while they are secretly thinking of what it would look like if someone could somehow grab your tongue and pull it out… and slice it off. ( oh wait… isn’t that what everyone pictures when this happens…. or is it just me? …nevermind. )

Now, can I finish my story?

OK. Talk all the shit about the popular television series MacGyver you want, but don’t forget this…. although the things he did may not all be 100% scientifically proven, he did teach you one of the most important lessons… how to figure shit out for yourself.Don’t be afraid to look at things in a different way. Use your brain, improvise. Don’t hesitate to do something crazy if you believe in yourself. All of these are things that every young human should remember.

Which leads me to my point… dudes who can’t fix shit.

What is wrong with all these guys who are helpless when it comes to figuring out how to repair or even maintain the most basic things. Change a tire. Fix some plumbing. Repair a dent in a car. Split wood. Start a fire. Install a floor. Build a wall. Use tools. (some people actually own tools that they do not use…)

Didn’t you ever take things apart when you were little just to see how it works?

Everything we buy is either made by a human or designed by a human, so with this in mind, why not open up that bad boy and see Why it isn’t working or how You can maintain it, before you go pay some mindless idiot ridiculous amounts of money to do it for you.

If you think to yourself… “hmmmm.. that looks hard…I don’ t know how to do that” … remember, there are tools available for certain jobs that may make it obvious how to solve your problem. Read a book. Google it. Ask somebody. And if not, make something up. Use your brain. Nothing is that intimidating.

Too many people have the “I’m too busy to do that” attitude, or “why bother”… that is what is wrong with the world today… everyone wants things done for them, and they forget that they are on this planet to learn and do things other than mindlessly wander through the lifeless routine some seem to follow. Get off your ass and fix something. You can do it!

Think of how proud of yourself you will be when you actually learn how to do something new.

• Ok, so you are entering a major road or highway. There is a yield sign. Does it mean completely stop even if no one is coming toward you? NO. It means to make sure it is safe to go… and then doing so. It does not mean to stop or slow down to 5 mph. You are entering a road on which people are doing upwards of 70-75 mph. What you are doing is actually more dangerous than if you were to keep traveling at 40-50 mph and entering an open lane. I have seen too many folks do this to enter a highway and the car behind them which is traveling at a normal rate of speed ends up swinging out hard into the left (fast) lane without looking, in efforts to get away from the sorry bastard doing 30 mph on a highway.

• Green lights mean go. If your car is not rolling forward in less than 2 seconds after the light turns green, don’t be surprised if I start honking to remind you to pay attention to the task at hand. Driving.

• In winter driving, if you own a Mustang or other similar car that completely sucks in the snow, please stay home. You traveling 12 mph creates a string of 30 cars closely following behind you, all of which, want to travel at a reasonable speed during their commute. Move out of the way. You are traveling so slow that the people behind you keep tapping breaks unnecessarily because they are unsure of what the hell is going on with your non-winter friendly car, sliding all over the place. This causes a chain reaction, and creates a huge possibility for accidents.

• Head-wobblers. Seriously. The old folks who have issues with keeping their head from wobbling uncontrollably should not be driving. How can you concentrate on driving? You can barely see over the wheel AND your head is not stable. Not to mention your sight is probably less than adequate. Stay home. Especially between the hours of 12-1pm when working folk need access to the grocery store. We don’t need any more delays during lunchtime. You have the entire rest of the day to get your prune juice and cheese & crackers.

So I have taken a few weeks off the blog.Lately, I have been consumed with this wonderful thing we call life. And by consumed I mean irritated. And by life I mean -pain in the ass. I don’t understand people. I don’t understand situations. I used to think that all you had to do was be a good person to others, and the rest would work out. Now I understand that I was giving people far too much credit. You can bust your ass, try to stay positive and not piss people off (yes, believe it or not I WAS trying to be positive!!!) and waste all of your energy trying to stay “normal”. Not so sure it is worth the effort. Some people just seem to benefit constantly and others do not. I don’t like this game. I feel as though there is a hell of a lot of effort on my part- if nothing more than the simple fact that I wake up every day trying to avoid being a pessimistic judgemental selfish asshole… which in turn should reveal a small amount of happiness in return… but I have yet to see any of that. Things are just frustrating. Beyond the “small stuff” that my blog normally revolves around… these daily situations are driving me crazy. Wake up. Anxiety. Brush teeth. Excessive thoughts. Get dressed. Question everything. Drive to work. Think more excessive thoughts. Stay at work for at least 8 hours of day. More anxiety. Leave work. Drive home. Stress. Get home. Unlock door. Load stove. Pet cats. Eat dinner. Kill a couple hours. Brush teeth. Go to bed. (then repeat) We are all on this planet. We all deserve to be happy. If you work, earn your money, and treat people with respect… shouldn’t things get easier? Maybe I am foolish for thinking such things, but I just don’t get it. Every step is another thought. Every minute another hour. Every month just a day. And somehow I fail to enjoy any of it. Sorry to sound negative. Sorry if this isn’t geared up to be funny like the other posts. I felt it belonged here because, after all, it is the list of WRONG… and something definitely is. I am going to try my hardest to regain a positive outlook. I just think it is time for something to turn around. Any day now. Seriously. It’s time. For real. I’m done. Really.

EVERYONE knows what I am talking about here. For $10-15 you can go to a fair and pick up one of these beauties. The MOST beautiful piece of redneck clothing one can buy. This shit is better than Old Navy. This super-flattering jacket/hoodie/poncho is great for every day use, comes in many colors, and can be seen on many rednecks and hippies throughout the world. These may have had a place back in the late 80′s – early 90′s… but where do people keep finding these things? I see them from time to time, and can’t help but wonder if it is one of the vintage ponchos from back in the day, or if someone actually thinks it is a good idea to continue to manufacture these for mass consumption. And then, someone goes out and purchases one? Did the old one wear out? I find that hard to believe. I guarantee that this will last 30 years longer than any piece of clothing that comes from old navy. Let’s hope most people realize how disgusting these things are and they throw them away before they get that old.

BUT… there is a method to application of the peanut butter and jelly. (There is a reason they don’t say a “Jelly & Peanut Butter” sandwich) The peanut butter goes on one slice of bread…FIRST! Once you have applied the peanut butter, you then use the other slice of bread to wipe the excess peanut butter off the knife before dipping into that jar of jelly.

There are two reasons:

• Peanut Butter doesn’t just “RINSE” off of the knife like jelly.
• Leftover bits of jelly don’t belong in the Peanut Butter Jar, which I have seen far too often!

Go ahead and dip into that jar of jelly now. After applying the jelly, you can easily turn on the warm water and rinse the knife – instead of just lazily dumping a knife full of peanut butter into a clean sink for someone else to clean up later.

If you get really good at your jelly application, you can smear the jelly on just right… when you pull the knife off the bread it will be (almost) completely rid of any peanut butter OR jelly. Much less clean-up later.

Now, I hope I have saved someone out there a few moments of their life, either on knife cleanup, or arguing with someone about who left the knife full of peanut butter in the sink.

In the midst of all this sandwich making, you glance down into the sink and see some random accumulation of old cereal, lettuce pieces or scraps from a rinsed plate filling up the sink strainer, feel free to empty that in the trash while you’re there. That shit is just nasty and it begins to stink.